This is incredibly difficult for me to type but figured it may help to get everything off my chest and maybe hear some advice!
I have a ds of 6 and dd of 3, I had been feeling broody for a third child for some time but knew my dh was happy with 2 and didn't want another child. My dh has suffered from depression on and off for years so I knew a third child would add extra pressure but it didn't stop me going over the 'what if' scenarios! I probably wasn't as vigilant with my pill as I should have been but still shocked to find out I was pregnant last April.
As suspected,my dh was not happy with the news and I also was terrified of the effect it could potentially have on our happy little family and dh. After much deliberation, driven partly by my guilt at it being 'my fault' , I chose to have a termination for the sake of my marriage and our current family. I felt that as it was my 'fault' for falling pregnant I should do what I felt was the correct thing to do for us. My dh lists all the practical reasons for not having another child but as many of you know the heart often rules the head when it comes to maternal issues!
I took the first termination pill on my 37th birthday which when I look back now I don't know how I managed to do. My 38th birthday has just passed and I'm really struggling to come to terms with things. I went for one counselling session in January which I came away from feeling liberated and much better however I can't stop feeling a sense of guilt and a little bit of resentment to my dh. The fact of the matter is my two kids are amazing and I want to give them a happy and loving family life which we have. However, every time a friend announces their 3rd pregnancy (which has happened a lot recently) I think if they could do it why couldn't I?
I think life is easier with the two and I have learned my lesson the hard way, I just want to be able to move on, forgive myself and enjoy the family I have which I manage to do most days however I am still grieving the loss of my third child that never came to be! Oh and just to add some more guilt to the mix I am Roman Catholic so have been brought up believing abortion is always wrong....it's not until I've found myself in this position that I took this very diffficult decision not just for myself but for my family. Do you think me and my dh can move on from this???